laura's word vomit: November 2009

11.20.2009

what i think about during a CPA ethics class

I feel bad for the women who had to live their 20s during the '80s. Now they're in their 40s and still have their 80s hair. I'm sure most people live in their pasts to some extent or another. But 80s-hair women give their harbored pasts away too easily. There's no hiding behind a hairsprayed swoop. It's like a shark fin. Dead giveaway. You had really cool sky-high hair and then you got knocked up and had some kids and drove them to soccer practice, and by the time you got back, you hadn't left Gastonia or opened a magazine in 20 years, and now you have no reason or need to change. Just know this: I am judging your hair. I'm sorry. It's pretty shallow, yes. But I'm not judging you, just your hair. And no one might have told you yet, but it just might not hurt to finally put the aerosol away. You'll thank me later (I have a yoga video instructor who tells me this...).

And yes, if flat irons go out of style a la the way of hair crimpers, and I end up having 2000s hair in the '20s (ha!), then please, by all means, feel free to judge my hair.

11.18.2009

FOR BEST RESULTS, READ AS YOU GO DOWN

oh my god. my last post is such rubbish!

there. i've been meaning to post that for the last ... wow - 3 months. jesus christ. wtf have i been doing?

anyway, don't read my last post. for those of you who don't speak british, it's garbage, and no one should read it. i know this might make some of you try, but i dare you to do it. you won't make it very far.

i only have one comment for tonight... why do toothpaste tubes say,

FOR BEST RESULTS, SQUEEZE TUBE FROM THE BOTTOM AND FLATTEN AS YOU GO UP.

?

and yes, it's in red font AND in caps AND in sans serif (maybe it's just Crest).

Aside from the obvious (what best results are we talking about here?), why is there an article of speech to clarify "bottom" but not "tube"? And why bring ME into it by using the phrase "as you go up"? I feel like i'm being ordered around. Why not "to the top"?

Hey. Don't act like your mind doesn't wander when you're brushing your teeth, too.

other people's vomit

"i use experience to answer questions without the burden of knowledge. observe."
-scott adams

"'Life is like that!' he answered philosophically."
- flaubert

"The reality is I just don't know a more efficient way to really adamantly process something than to write about it."

-elizabeth gilbert

"...oh wait, that's real vomit!"
- namesake quote from Mean Girls

"I was not made to think. I was made to eat. My god, yes."
-hemingway

"I don't want the five dollars in your pocket. I want your soul."
-lady gaga

"It's funny how the colours of the like real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen."
-a.burgess

"Grand. There's a word I really hate. It's a phony. I could puke every time I hear it."
- salinger

"For she had come to feel that it was the only thing worth saying -- what one felt. Cleverness was silly. One must say simply what one felt."
-woolf

"if hawks have always had the same character, why should you suppose that men have changed theirs?"
-voltaire

"Oh damn! What I mean is, do you believe it possible for us, the two of us, to throw off the mask of custom and manners that insulate man from man, and converse in naked honesty and frankness?... Of course, of course. Such frankness just isn't possible because all our motives are impure."
- ellison

"Work all day for money, fight all night for love"
- hurston

"If you really want to hurt your parents but you don't have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college."
-vonnegut

"You realize, of course, that everything I say is horseshit."
-vonnegut

"and all that cal..."