ulcerating

i've finally broke. these conventions are driving me insane. i hate that i am watching them. i hate it because something that used to be important has been turned into a WWF wrestling match. I say WWF because i have not watched wrestling since it changed from WWF to WWE. And! there used to be two. WCW? yes, WCW. Before Vince ate them for breakfast.

I digress. They're WWF wrestling matches. I have been using "circus" as my word of choice for the past week, but they don't deserve that much credit. At least at circuses people don't chant, "EL EH PHANT! EL EH PHANT!" Joe has likened the conventions to the Jerry Springer show. I concede to that. But at least when Springers' guests get angry, they have the balls to throw some punches instead of bullshitting behind a dais. And! they don't need a week to slowly extricate all of the bullshit from their mouths. So the conventions are a Springer WWF match. Fabricated and ugly, and the attending audience plays to it beautifully.

This is what it sounds like to me:
Speaker: rhetoric rhetoric rhetoric rheterrheterrheter
Crowd: Yes we can! Yes we can!
(...can WHAT??)
Speaker: rheterrhetererer
Crowd: U S A! U S A!
Speaker: rheterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrerrr
Crowd: Yeauhhh! Drill some fucking holes in the ground! Drill baby drill!!

And then you get into the personal attacks, which seem like they should be part of an 8 mile-esque rap-off. Biden's like, "McCain smokes crack through his pacemaker!"
And you expect a rebuttal. You expect McCain to somehow fly up to the stage and say, "Yeah, but Obama thinks down babies are the devil!"
And then more exchanges
Palin: Obama will tax your ass all the way to Kenya!
Obama: McCain is fucking OLD!
Country singer: I love god and beer! and republicans!
Melissa Etheridge: I'm gay!
Carly Fiorina: I'm rich!
Palin: I'm a MILF! People Google-search me! I'm so happy.
Bill: I don't know WTF is going on!
Hillary: No one thinks I'm a MILF.
Chelsea: No one Google-searches me.

ugh, it's so painful. americans are hopeless. the russians and the chinese are going to take over the world. If Putin doesn't bomb us all the way to Mars first, then the Chinese will take all those communist-trained boat paddlers from the Opening Ceremonies and paddle us into the globally-warmed Atlantic Ocean. Or... they will just turn our trillions of debt on our heads.

the media coverage/pundits have not been any better. Chris Matthews thinks that Palin will have better foreign policy because she lives in Alaska and is closer to Russia. CNN thinks that Obama has a better chance of winning because he can use the Internet. Everyone thinks all the speeches were just fabulous. Ace & TJ canNOT stop talking about how hot Sarah Palin is.

Well, at least you were spared from another blog about college football. We're not going to talk about college football. I love it so so much, but i definitely developed ulcers on Monday night. i was so depressed that i had to read my book about the Vieteffingnam war until 1am to get my mind off of the loss.

all right, i'm done. that helped. thanks for listening.