life is hard

life is hard. because:

friday
- had to figure out what to wear for weather forecast of "100% heavy rain." (answer: jeans tucked into black effme boots, tank top, hoodie, and UT baseball cap)
- had to run across Tryon St. twice (in black effme boots) to catch cab home. would have been 3+ times if not for ashley's cab-catching and people-warding-off skills

saturday
- had to lie in bed for over an hour trying to figure out how to procure food without having to move. finally threw on sweat pants and windshield-sized sunglasses (thank god for windshield-sized sunglasses) and attempted to drive to chick-fil-a and back during Gameday commercial. (failed)
- had to avoid lots of direct flesh contact with all the girls dressed up for Halloween as Whore. Princess Whore, Policeman Whore, Nurse Whore, Cheerleader Whore, even Firefighter Whore. The creativity of twentysomething girls these days is AMAZing

sunday
- had to remove (despite usually loving being surrounded by orange) the myriad orange jello and punch stains spattered haphazardly around my apartment, including bathroom mirror and wall (vaguely remember the latter being my fault). ironically, i used Glistening Citrus Orange Windex
- had to figure out how long i passed out for this afternoon on the couch and if it was a dream or not that i was at the pool with my mom and she was telling me i should go kiss a boy sitting across the 3 feet deep section
- had to wonder how hot you have to be to date a professional football player and then break up with him when he essentially gets promoted to Dallas Cowboys Quarterback. i mean, in America, the ranking goes 1. President, 2. Bono, 3. rap moguls, 4. Oprah, 5. NFL quarterbacks. Well, I guess it makes sense. i mean, that's the reason i don't date NFL quarterbacks - i like to keep my options open. you know, for someone better to come along.

and tomorrow i get to start my work week again to earn my keep so i can continue to look forward to these hard weekends.

go big ORANGE

life might be pretty pointless and inane, yes...

but that isn't going to stop me from making orange jello shots for saturday! wooooooot

Happy early Halloween! go carve a pumpkin and celebrate... I heard it was Satan's super sweet 16 at the W.

compiling a grocery list - orange jello, orange solo cups, grey goose l'orange, maybe some felt for my costume..?, chips (orange?) - gah, this is the perfect color for the team that is finally going to beat spurrier again. Or else l'orange jello shots might end up being v. bad idea.

never gonna get it

why.. WHY are we so stupid? and I don’t mean in the eating ice cream in lieu of dinner way (current event), but in the going to war way, the killing of others way, the intentional destruction of life sort of way.

I just watched a segment on the History Channel about the flag raisers of Iwo Jima. And it gave me a renewed sense of why we watch such garbage on tv: because it’s 1, easy and 2, entertaining in that feel-good way. Easy on the brain, easy on the eyes, easy on the emotions, if you will. Kind of like the surfeit of ice cream I’m eating right now, except on the tongue, not the eyes.

I almost changed the channel to “America’s Next Top Model” because it was just so damn sad to see footage of those men – no, those boys – being killed so brutally. I don’t know why it hit me hard tonight as opposed to other times I’ve seen similar footage. And it’s a different effect than a movie, because even then, you know it’s not real, even if based on real events.

But then I thought to myself, my god, look at what these marines had to go through, to live through, to fight through, and all I have to do is watch it. My god, my god, if my lazy ass can do anything, I can sit through an hour of this narrated history that so many had to actually live out (noted also that I did sit through about … 15 hours of football between yesterday and today).

But it made me sad. And mad that we let war happen, over and over again, throughout history. We never learn. Robbing lives from boys who haven’t had the chance yet to go to college or to get married or maybe even to get laid for the first time. And that’s kind of funny but really just very sad because that’s what life should be – experiencing good things – when, for them, life ended with and among and because of really bad things. Not to mention the mothers. The fathers too, but for some reason it’s the mothers who really hit you, who you know had such hopes and aspirations for sons who otherwise had the whole world in front of them. And died instead.

I’m glad I watched it. I’m reminded that, though clichéd, freedom is not, in fact, free (and there are too many graves to prove it). And that’s never really been so apparent to me as it is now, as I realize that North Korea or Iran, among others, could nuke us any day now, and we could break out in a world war again and be stripped of freedom, which is, of course, a freedom to live without an overarching daily fear of death.

But, to be sure, life has had an overarching feeling of frustration for me lately. It just all seems so vain, so purposeless; I swear sometimes, most times, even when good, I just don’t get it.

fictional dialogue, fictional people - avoiding reality is SO vogue. ok, a perpetual vogue.

voted by me as best quotes from last- and to-night:

South Park -
ike: you'redeadtome
kyle: what??
ike: i SAID, you're DEAD to me
kyle: What??
ike: You're DEAD to me, KYLE!

not a quote, but the playing of Afternoon Delight while panning in to Ike and teacher in bathtub was hilARious

The Office -
Dwight: Ryan, come back!
[Ryan leaves]
Dwight's cousin: He seemed like a nice guy.
Dwight: Where are all the animals?!

Grey -
Izzy: I'm a multimillionaire, George. I'm not going to buy him a CD.


also, i do admit that i love Ike, as well as jim halpert on The Office. Little did I know so many other (crazy, no-life, delusional) people love jim as well. Facebook retrieves 57 groups when you look up "jim halpert." voted by me as top 5:

5. Jim Halpert is the Reason I Wake Up in the Morning
(Type: Common Interest - Beauty (??); the creator's picture is half the fun; 55 members)

4. When I Grow Up I Wanna Marry Jim Halpert
(grow up??; I especially love the detailed attn to capitalization in this title alongside the use of "wanna"; 40 members)

3. JIM HALPERT FOR PRESIDENT IN 08
(Yes, because jim halpert IS a real person; now I have my own presidential race - Jay-Z head-to-head with Jim Halpert; 21 members)

2. I'd totally go to the Halpert-Beesly Wedding!! Scrantonicity will be there!
(omg, what?!?; 14 members)

1. I Have a Man Crush on Jim Halpert
(Type: Just for fun - too much information; luckily, only 17 members)


my god, what IS this world coming to that these groups exist and that i BLOG about them??

point to it

Ck out what I read in my Creative Loafing tonight, an article by David Swerdlick titled, "President Carter":

"... But what if Jay-Z ran for president? I mean, the bar is set pretty low at this point.

"Granted, he probably doesn't have the subject matter expertise to head up a cabinet-level department. But the specific job of president is fast becoming a figurehead position -- and uber-spokesmodel for this or that point of view ... If he wanted to, he could easily win a Congressional seat in NYC, bide his time until Republicans run some gimmick candidate, then Democrats counter with 'H to the Izzo ...'

"... I can see him now: fresh-pressed, white guayabera shirt, summer weight slacks, Gucci sandals and a lit Cohiba robusto, walking down Main Street in Baghdad with Beyonce, Chelsea Clinton, and Zara Sheikh, sampling the local cuisine, low five-ing little kids, and dapping-up street vendors. Then, sitting down for a libation with politicians and clergy, all of whom ask President Shawn Carter to autograph their copies of The Blueprint. You never know..."

Keeping in mind the article's brief but suitable mentions of Dr Dre & LA Reid, VMA acceptance speeches, Brad Pitt's refusal to marry Angelina before gays & lesbians can legally wed, Nikes, and the less-than-ideal state of foreign affairs..., if an alien came to America-town today, I would give him this article and say, Here, this should about sum it up.

Then the alien would look at me all confused, either 1) because, like most non-Americans, he doesn't get "it", or 2) because he can't read English, which wouldn't surprise me since the illegal aliens working at both of the Uptown Subways can't seem to learn FIVE WORDS: pickles, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and olives........... the BLACK things for god's sake! those!! at least get rid of the glass so i can point to them!

bienvenido a Melee-i

college football at its finest, folks.

a little background: within a pathetic conference - when handling pigskins and sanctions - known as the ACC, there exists a highly overrated team, Miami, which bombs it big-time this season. They first lose to big-time rival FL State, which was a big-time game at the time, but now that both non-big-time teams are unranked for the first time since like the 1970s (relegated to the catch-all of overrated teams - the "Others Receiving Votes" category), it was really a stupid game to begin with. They then go on to win against FL A&M, which is a school I've never really heard of (for a reason), lose to Louisville, eke out a 1-point win v. Houston (yes, like Memphis, known more as city, not football team), "revenge" last year's loss v. UNC, and, last week, pound Florida International. literally. with football helmets and cleats and expletives flying around like flies around a horse's ass (see youtube.com).

So much so that all the espn writers and commentators just could NOT restrain themselves from using the word melee in all their recounts of the on-field battle. I, myself, would've used internecine brawl, since it has more syllables and makes me sound smarter and is just as appropriate.

Anyway, the best thing to come out of the whole debacle were the comments during the i. brawl from Lamar Thomas, a (former) Miami TV analyst, whose following words were broadcast live on CSS (but will, saddeningly, not be broadcast again):

(Notes before reading:
1. Thomas is a former Miami player.
2. Florida International, despite its name, is not international nor across any oceans - it's across town from UofM.
3. The sound byte is even better than the transcript.
4. Apparently Thomas made references to the "OB", an acronym for the Orange Bowl (Miami's piss-poor excuse of a stadium that stands awkwardly in the middle of an uninviting, unattractive ghetto), many many times (nostalgically, I'm sure).)

"Now, that's what I'm talking about. You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB playing that stuff. You're across the ocean over there. You're across the city. You can't come over to our place talking noise like that. You'll get your butt beat. I was about to go down the elevator to get in that thing ... I say, why don't they just meet outside in the tunnel after the ball game and get it on some more? You don't come into the OB, baby. We've had a down couple years but you don't come in here talking smack. Not in our house." (see espn.com)

oh man it makes me laugh every time. The sad thing is, poor Lamar got fired, and I'm pretty sure he just got hired before this season's start. I have no clue why on earth you would choose to fire the guy when he provides so much entertainment. I mean, he was just putting his "heart on his sleeve", as he commented. It was all about heart. No condoning violence.... but... I bet his heart-on-sleeve would've been the one leading him down that elevator shaft.

But that IS why i do so love college football - so much heart. which used to sound humanistic. now, i become bellicose humanist.

Also, we have no problem with airing countless r-tard reality shows that debase human values at their utmost core, but we have a problem with a guy who gets caught up in the moment and blurts his heart onto his unassuming sleeve?... and is more entertaining? i mean, isn't that reality tv at its best anyway?

Also funny - at first, Miami suspended 13 of its players for 1 game b/c of the melee (heh). That one game happens to be against ........ Duke. Ha! That's like telling 13 fifth-grade boys that they can't go play badmitton with the fourth-grade girls.

OK, also funny - when you open up Florida International's homepage, one of the headlines is, "The Path of Nonviolence." Referring to Indian religion. Funny.

Ok, 1 more funny thing - the Forde Yard Dash, by Pat Forde, which is always fantastic, but does a great job this week labeling UofM as Thug U and FL Intl as Thugs In Training. Fantastic.

Scroll down a little in the Dash and get a taste of the rip on Georgia I'm going to make later. yeah, Uga can kiss Smokey's ass ... and the Commodore's, i suppose. ok, well, he can kiss mine at least.

monkey see. the end.

every time i watch extreme home makeover, it makes me feel like a lazy, inconsequential son-of-a-bitch of a person.

then i change the channel and realize i feel that way because i am that way. hm.

you're not fat. just the wrong species.

look what I found on msnbc pictures of the week... the LITTLE one is 270 lbs! i don't know why it amazes me so, but it did enough for me to want to share it. now we all know that if an elephant wants to cut in line, not to mess with it.

laura’s deep thought of the night.

the thing, the great thing, about laughter is that it’s like an orgasm.

it’s only worth anything if its genuine, if its elicited by the right stimulus. you can’t fake it. a fake laugh is just uncomfortable. it leaves a bad aftertaste. your company might be pleased because they think they’ve made you laugh, but really you’re just upset that not only was nothing funny, but the company thinks they’re funny when they were absolutely not.

but genuine laughs. those are the best. pure, simple, human. moments to live for and what not and what all. they make us human. what is there in life but a good laugh? sometimes I start to feel inhuman. then something makes me laugh.

like jim dangle’s shorts – or, rather, legs – on Reno 911! or the picture of me, Kristen, and Leah doing the JC Penney’s catalog pose. gets me every time.

(... the analogy was over like 2 paragraphs ago, just to avoid confusion)

.... unrelated: who else loves that version of "somewhere over the rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole?? Also, new songs by Luda, The Red Suit Apparatus, the Killers, Frankie J, Mario Vazquez, the Raconteurs, and Fort Minor aren't bad. happy with the normally sub-par selection of new songs out.

1/56ths spent blogging?

I mean, the more i think about it, the more i think that life is just meant to be unfair. I spend 1/4th of my life on my period... so i spend 1/4th of my life bleeding and unable to have sex - an injustice in its highest form. So what if that's what needs to happen for me to reproduce - what about me?? so unfair, no one ever asks me how I feel... I also spend 1/24th of my life getting "ready". Getting ready for what? for the world to see me. Considering that 5/7ths of those 1/24ths are spent getting ready for work, that means i spend at least 2.9762% of my life just getting ready to go somewhere i don't want to go. Not going to calculate the time actually spent at places I don't want to be because ... why would I waste my life doing that?

Lately all i want to do is eat and sleep. what a glorious life that would be. if I ruled the world, there would be 50% sleeping and 25% eating and 25% of whatever you really enjoy doing in life, besides sleeping and eating. dancing, fucking, walking on the beach, whatever. you choose. let's just hope some people really enjoy manufacturing mattresses. and farming.

eat, sleep, die... eat, sleep, work, love, die... eat, sleep, work, buy nice things, buy love, make love, make love work, work, buy, sell soul, die. Prost!

a little upset my Oktoberfest glass did not get back to my apt with me. But, all considering, much worse could have been left behind.

in totally unrelated note, really ashamed that albert haynesworth went to UT. who does that?

not drunk enough to preclude blogging

I have been drinking for 12 hours now. and it’s kind of riduclous when you think asbout it ebecause it’s not like anyone really should be drinking for 12 hours straight. and I have to say I’m pretty proud of myself for making it this logn and also for making it home by myself, all pure and chaste, but still no one should be dirnking for 12 horus straight. yeah. that’s what I think. what, bitch??! I’m over it. and you don’t even know what I’m over, most of you, but I dknow, and I know I’m over it. bevause I said so. jover. done. peace out

oh, and you better be glad, person who requested drunk post, because i did this for you~!! yes, all for you, like a sister hazel song.

ahhhh it's october! ahhhhhhh
time flies when you're durnk.