uncensored

you know what's funny? is that i write this blog that is basically just notes to myself. there are a few other people that read it; i judge them as fairly nonjudgmental. Yet i still find myself censoring ... myself. There are still things that I legitimately think that I cannot write in the public domain. and not just a few things; many, many things. Things that would hurt others, sometimes perhaps irreconcilably.* And I would never want that. I mainly love these people; i mainly do everything in my power to keep our relationships reconcilable. Which is why i don't write about them. "Them."

We furrow our brows with concern at China for censoring, but then we aren't sure what we think about Julian Assange. We know what is wrong (censoring good things!), but do we know what is right (censoring bad things?)? When is it OK to start swearing in front of kids? When is it OK to talk about sex? When is it OK to censor Huck Finn? When is it OK to ban books from distribution?**

Anywho, writing is a weird thing. It's a lonely thing. Gary Shteyngart wrote, "Writing a book is real hard and lonely, let me tell you." Isn't it so true? But so odd? You're doing this thing where you're required to completely empty all of your heart and soul onto some glaringly white and unforgiving page. Not only will that black and white page lay bare your emptied heart and soul, but it will also remain there alone, without pictures, colors, flash or youtube videos. It will sit there unadorned, staring back at the reader, who stares back at it. And, of course, that place is hopefully where the magic happens. That is where the souls meld, where reflections are seen.*** The writer hopes that the words, the soul of the words, do not merely gaze back; she hopes that they burn holes in each other; she hopes that that person finds something of themselves on that frank page, if soul has truly been laid bare.

Yet writing is such a lonely thing! You must do it alone. I must do it alone. If Joe walked in right now, I would stop writing. It is intensely personal. But then you want someone to read it. It's a weird thing.

*Happened to read a nice little article today about forgiveness.****

**Note to parents: it is never too early to let your kid watch MTV. Because she will just find another way to watch it.
***Like when Simba sees Mustafa in the pond!
****Just finished Stacy Schiff's Cleopatra, which uses asterick-ed footnotes. I'll try them out in lieu of my usual myriad (and sometimes ungainly) parentheses.