truth or lambchop?

when are we old enough to know? are we mature enough to understand when we’re able to understand? if you can mentally understand the logistics of how babies are made, are you mature enough to know about sex? if you still believe in the pelican theory, are you too young to know? I mean, I’m pretty sure if you had tried to tell 5-year-old me that you put that in there, and nine months later out pops me, i would’ve looked at you like you had just told me Mr. Rogers was actually a magical unicorn that chameleoned into a man every day when I got back from kindergarten for a half hour. I also would’ve asked something stupid in my incredulous state, like, does that mean Mr. Rogers has one of those too???

if you figure out santa’s not real, are you old enough to know things aren’t always what they seem? that reality is just what you believe is real? that people’s realities differ? that reality is simply what you’ve been taught, unless you choose to question it? if you haven’t begun to understand doubt yet, can you still believe that all dreams come true? is it better to believe that? or is it better to know the truth (that work is a necessary evil and that dreams are realized in either victories or vacations, which are always too short, or families or love, which are always too dysfunctional)? should there be a little bit of both? if Christians tout truth as being so virtuous (“I am the way, the truth, and the life”), then where does that leave belief? if Allah is the truth because you believe he is the truth, then what happens when you start to doubt your beliefs? is he still the truth? is it really that bad to believe something that isn’t true? well, maybe.... since the truth is, jews aren't meant to be exterminated, blacks aren't meant to be slaves, suicide bombers don’t get rewarded, no weapons of mass destruction are in Iraq, grudges between African tribes are not worth holding, Chinese babies shouldn’t be murdered if they’re not boys, she’s been cheating on him, he’s not her real father, and that doctor never got a medical degree (woah, sucks that you got that lypo without a background check, huh..).

But..., also true: people kill out of hate, his dad was a drunk, people will not always love you the way you want them to, eating canned spinach won’t make you spontaneously grow muscles, no one knows if all dogs go to heaven, your dreams might not come true, nobody really thinks your art is masterful, china & japan are not the only 2 asian countries… things no 5-year-old really needs to know.

I tend to like the truth, even if it is usually exhausting, inconvenient, and/or just terrible. because if it is, then I want to know about it. but believing is necessary too… because I don’t understand everything. Apparently I’m not old enough yet.

Just don’t tell me Mr. Rogers was a unicorn. I’d rather believe he was a friendly old man who always hung his coat up and had a fun choo-choo train. I already had a rough patch when I found out Lambchop was a puppet. No Santa, no Easter bunny, no tooth fairy, no Peter Pan, no Lambchop, no Big Bird, no Smurf village. Damn those childhood liars.

globular or flat?

Myrtle Beach weekend was good. Why do I admire the merits and outcomes of hard work so much, yet all I want to do is lie on the beach for the rest of my life? so unfair. why can’t lying on the beach be work? why can’t civilization prosper and grow by lying on a beach. if I were god…..

just kidding. well, if I were god, i would make sure no one made movies starring overpaid actors playing Mr. Remote Control God. so lame. maybe not as lame as that new movie coming out w/uma and luke – super ex or something?? really????

I wonder if god feels the same wonder as we do, gaping out at creation. Probably more so. an artist is proud of his work if he knows it’s worth the pride, right? I love standing on the shoreline, watching the waves rise slowly.. and then crash towards me… just standing there, knowing the force may move me, but that the object itself will not knock me over. I stare down, watching the former wave slither away, but with more dignity than the word slither implies. it’s in a hurry, like it knows it has more sand, more creatures to move through. More ocean depths to cover, more lands to visit. I like standing there and feeling the water carry the sand out from under me. it’s in a hurry again; this time it’s rude, annoyed that I’m standing on something it obviously wants. I love falling asleep and waking up to the sound of it, reminding me that the water never stops moving. but I love love love just staring out at that expanse of water. it goes where you want to but cannot. not without hard work. I can see how, if I had lived 500-some years ago, I would’ve aspired to explore. how could you stand on a shore like that and not ache with wonder at what’s beyond the horizon? Even if you had thought the world was flat, what’s there to lose? I’d let curiosity kill me and then let anyone who cared remember me as “the girl who fell off the edge of the earth.”

then, if I happened to fall onto Asia on my way down…. ohh, is that how it all started?? the history books must have it backwards..

btw, global warming was the “highlighted topic” for today on wikipedia. for a while, if you clicked on the link, it would say "fuck you irish guy!" over and over again before delving into the scientific... err.. inconvenient truths of GWarming (which i did not quite get to). more entertaining than Al and gratis as well!

an inconvient truth

an inconvenient truth.
reasons to see:

1. learn about one of the options god is playing with for the last chapter of his book called "the world" ("avian flu" and "kim jong, fidel, and osama unite" are strong contenders)
   
2. support something you believe is worth supporting (e.g., nationwide (not worldwide - only americans can vote the democrats back into office) informing of global warming, the delay of the apocalypse, liberals with too much free time, people married to people named tipper)
   
3. see an inconvenient truth

better alternatives:

1. google the phrase "what if we all quit work and just drank quietly until our ultimate, collective deaths BUT not before creating a huge world-ending bomb to go off exactly one minute after our collective deaths"
   
2. go see the Break Up to support jennifer & vince - i've heard it's bad, but at least no one is named tipper or al
   
3. look in the mirror at the huge zit growing inconveniently on your forehead right before your first big date/interview/naked photo shoot

selwyn tonight!
beach tomorrow!
music!

signing off - lhd, doat (drunk on a thursday)

a list

673. I just found out one of my friend’s (Leave it to Beaver-like) parents are getting divorced because the husband of umpteen years has a new girlfriend.
674. Sharing is just not my style.
675. It’s a mere game of tag, you're it! in Hollywood.
676. I am selfish and not a good listener and many other things that would land me in a counselor’s chair.
677. Right now I can write whatever I want without anyone looking over my shoulder.
678. If I got pregnant, I couldn’t drink for NINE whole months.
679. If I got pregnant, I’d only have NINE months to stop swearing and develop a soul.
680. I’d probably fall down the aisle.
681. My family is notorious for extreme inebriation at any and all family gatherings.
682. I hate mowing lawns, and since the unsaid rule is to buy the house after the ring, I’d probably have to mow a lawn.
683. I can hardly handle parental love maturely; forget love love.
684. I wouldn't be able to watch really bad late-night porn with my friends of the opposite sex anymore.
685. If I want a 'witness to my life', I'll just sign up for a reality TV show. or get a dog. maybe an imaginary friend and name her Sally, since my dad won't let me name my car ("it's a car, Laura, not a damn ship)
686. I would be waiving my god given right to be on The Bachelor.

The preceding is an excerpt from the list, “Why I am never getting married.”

where i go ever

you know, right after i wrote that last post, i got one of those stupid drunk urges... kind of what a pregnant woman's hunger pang must feel like: really odd and random but very distinct and real. I decided i really, reallyyy wanted to ride a bike. and i love the saying, 'it's like riding a bike' because it's so true. so my drunk self meandered down to the basement, dug up my old bike, and rode that flat-tired sucker up and down the street once.. then i schlepped it back to where i found it. I guess those few minutes were enough to sate my pregnant desire... or else they were enough to get me out of breath .. damn tennessee hills. I guess the pre-ride margaritas and flat tires didn't help.

anyway. i just watched the scripps spelling bee and was super excited that i knew one of the 'champion's list' words, tmesis. and you are probably thinking, wow, you are an even bigger dork than i thought, first for watching the spelling bee, second for knowing a word, and third for being super excited about it. But the only reason i know it is because i use a variation of tmesis a lot... e.g., abso-fucking-lutely. I just looked on dictionary.com, and they put,

"for example, where I go ever instead of wherever I go."

What?! that doesn't even make any sense. My example is obviously superior.

don't thank me for the linguistic lesson. stay tuned for the next edition of, Learning with Laura.