fictional dialogue, fictional people - avoiding reality is SO vogue. ok, a perpetual vogue.

voted by me as best quotes from last- and to-night:

South Park -
ike: you'redeadtome
kyle: what??
ike: i SAID, you're DEAD to me
kyle: What??
ike: You're DEAD to me, KYLE!

not a quote, but the playing of Afternoon Delight while panning in to Ike and teacher in bathtub was hilARious

The Office -
Dwight: Ryan, come back!
[Ryan leaves]
Dwight's cousin: He seemed like a nice guy.
Dwight: Where are all the animals?!

Grey -
Izzy: I'm a multimillionaire, George. I'm not going to buy him a CD.


also, i do admit that i love Ike, as well as jim halpert on The Office. Little did I know so many other (crazy, no-life, delusional) people love jim as well. Facebook retrieves 57 groups when you look up "jim halpert." voted by me as top 5:

5. Jim Halpert is the Reason I Wake Up in the Morning
(Type: Common Interest - Beauty (??); the creator's picture is half the fun; 55 members)

4. When I Grow Up I Wanna Marry Jim Halpert
(grow up??; I especially love the detailed attn to capitalization in this title alongside the use of "wanna"; 40 members)

3. JIM HALPERT FOR PRESIDENT IN 08
(Yes, because jim halpert IS a real person; now I have my own presidential race - Jay-Z head-to-head with Jim Halpert; 21 members)

2. I'd totally go to the Halpert-Beesly Wedding!! Scrantonicity will be there!
(omg, what?!?; 14 members)

1. I Have a Man Crush on Jim Halpert
(Type: Just for fun - too much information; luckily, only 17 members)


my god, what IS this world coming to that these groups exist and that i BLOG about them??

point to it

Ck out what I read in my Creative Loafing tonight, an article by David Swerdlick titled, "President Carter":

"... But what if Jay-Z ran for president? I mean, the bar is set pretty low at this point.

"Granted, he probably doesn't have the subject matter expertise to head up a cabinet-level department. But the specific job of president is fast becoming a figurehead position -- and uber-spokesmodel for this or that point of view ... If he wanted to, he could easily win a Congressional seat in NYC, bide his time until Republicans run some gimmick candidate, then Democrats counter with 'H to the Izzo ...'

"... I can see him now: fresh-pressed, white guayabera shirt, summer weight slacks, Gucci sandals and a lit Cohiba robusto, walking down Main Street in Baghdad with Beyonce, Chelsea Clinton, and Zara Sheikh, sampling the local cuisine, low five-ing little kids, and dapping-up street vendors. Then, sitting down for a libation with politicians and clergy, all of whom ask President Shawn Carter to autograph their copies of The Blueprint. You never know..."

Keeping in mind the article's brief but suitable mentions of Dr Dre & LA Reid, VMA acceptance speeches, Brad Pitt's refusal to marry Angelina before gays & lesbians can legally wed, Nikes, and the less-than-ideal state of foreign affairs..., if an alien came to America-town today, I would give him this article and say, Here, this should about sum it up.

Then the alien would look at me all confused, either 1) because, like most non-Americans, he doesn't get "it", or 2) because he can't read English, which wouldn't surprise me since the illegal aliens working at both of the Uptown Subways can't seem to learn FIVE WORDS: pickles, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and olives........... the BLACK things for god's sake! those!! at least get rid of the glass so i can point to them!

bienvenido a Melee-i

college football at its finest, folks.

a little background: within a pathetic conference - when handling pigskins and sanctions - known as the ACC, there exists a highly overrated team, Miami, which bombs it big-time this season. They first lose to big-time rival FL State, which was a big-time game at the time, but now that both non-big-time teams are unranked for the first time since like the 1970s (relegated to the catch-all of overrated teams - the "Others Receiving Votes" category), it was really a stupid game to begin with. They then go on to win against FL A&M, which is a school I've never really heard of (for a reason), lose to Louisville, eke out a 1-point win v. Houston (yes, like Memphis, known more as city, not football team), "revenge" last year's loss v. UNC, and, last week, pound Florida International. literally. with football helmets and cleats and expletives flying around like flies around a horse's ass (see youtube.com).

So much so that all the espn writers and commentators just could NOT restrain themselves from using the word melee in all their recounts of the on-field battle. I, myself, would've used internecine brawl, since it has more syllables and makes me sound smarter and is just as appropriate.

Anyway, the best thing to come out of the whole debacle were the comments during the i. brawl from Lamar Thomas, a (former) Miami TV analyst, whose following words were broadcast live on CSS (but will, saddeningly, not be broadcast again):

(Notes before reading:
1. Thomas is a former Miami player.
2. Florida International, despite its name, is not international nor across any oceans - it's across town from UofM.
3. The sound byte is even better than the transcript.
4. Apparently Thomas made references to the "OB", an acronym for the Orange Bowl (Miami's piss-poor excuse of a stadium that stands awkwardly in the middle of an uninviting, unattractive ghetto), many many times (nostalgically, I'm sure).)

"Now, that's what I'm talking about. You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB playing that stuff. You're across the ocean over there. You're across the city. You can't come over to our place talking noise like that. You'll get your butt beat. I was about to go down the elevator to get in that thing ... I say, why don't they just meet outside in the tunnel after the ball game and get it on some more? You don't come into the OB, baby. We've had a down couple years but you don't come in here talking smack. Not in our house." (see espn.com)

oh man it makes me laugh every time. The sad thing is, poor Lamar got fired, and I'm pretty sure he just got hired before this season's start. I have no clue why on earth you would choose to fire the guy when he provides so much entertainment. I mean, he was just putting his "heart on his sleeve", as he commented. It was all about heart. No condoning violence.... but... I bet his heart-on-sleeve would've been the one leading him down that elevator shaft.

But that IS why i do so love college football - so much heart. which used to sound humanistic. now, i become bellicose humanist.

Also, we have no problem with airing countless r-tard reality shows that debase human values at their utmost core, but we have a problem with a guy who gets caught up in the moment and blurts his heart onto his unassuming sleeve?... and is more entertaining? i mean, isn't that reality tv at its best anyway?

Also funny - at first, Miami suspended 13 of its players for 1 game b/c of the melee (heh). That one game happens to be against ........ Duke. Ha! That's like telling 13 fifth-grade boys that they can't go play badmitton with the fourth-grade girls.

OK, also funny - when you open up Florida International's homepage, one of the headlines is, "The Path of Nonviolence." Referring to Indian religion. Funny.

Ok, 1 more funny thing - the Forde Yard Dash, by Pat Forde, which is always fantastic, but does a great job this week labeling UofM as Thug U and FL Intl as Thugs In Training. Fantastic.

Scroll down a little in the Dash and get a taste of the rip on Georgia I'm going to make later. yeah, Uga can kiss Smokey's ass ... and the Commodore's, i suppose. ok, well, he can kiss mine at least.

monkey see. the end.

every time i watch extreme home makeover, it makes me feel like a lazy, inconsequential son-of-a-bitch of a person.

then i change the channel and realize i feel that way because i am that way. hm.

you're not fat. just the wrong species.

look what I found on msnbc pictures of the week... the LITTLE one is 270 lbs! i don't know why it amazes me so, but it did enough for me to want to share it. now we all know that if an elephant wants to cut in line, not to mess with it.

laura’s deep thought of the night.

the thing, the great thing, about laughter is that it’s like an orgasm.

it’s only worth anything if its genuine, if its elicited by the right stimulus. you can’t fake it. a fake laugh is just uncomfortable. it leaves a bad aftertaste. your company might be pleased because they think they’ve made you laugh, but really you’re just upset that not only was nothing funny, but the company thinks they’re funny when they were absolutely not.

but genuine laughs. those are the best. pure, simple, human. moments to live for and what not and what all. they make us human. what is there in life but a good laugh? sometimes I start to feel inhuman. then something makes me laugh.

like jim dangle’s shorts – or, rather, legs – on Reno 911! or the picture of me, Kristen, and Leah doing the JC Penney’s catalog pose. gets me every time.

(... the analogy was over like 2 paragraphs ago, just to avoid confusion)

.... unrelated: who else loves that version of "somewhere over the rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole?? Also, new songs by Luda, The Red Suit Apparatus, the Killers, Frankie J, Mario Vazquez, the Raconteurs, and Fort Minor aren't bad. happy with the normally sub-par selection of new songs out.

1/56ths spent blogging?

I mean, the more i think about it, the more i think that life is just meant to be unfair. I spend 1/4th of my life on my period... so i spend 1/4th of my life bleeding and unable to have sex - an injustice in its highest form. So what if that's what needs to happen for me to reproduce - what about me?? so unfair, no one ever asks me how I feel... I also spend 1/24th of my life getting "ready". Getting ready for what? for the world to see me. Considering that 5/7ths of those 1/24ths are spent getting ready for work, that means i spend at least 2.9762% of my life just getting ready to go somewhere i don't want to go. Not going to calculate the time actually spent at places I don't want to be because ... why would I waste my life doing that?

Lately all i want to do is eat and sleep. what a glorious life that would be. if I ruled the world, there would be 50% sleeping and 25% eating and 25% of whatever you really enjoy doing in life, besides sleeping and eating. dancing, fucking, walking on the beach, whatever. you choose. let's just hope some people really enjoy manufacturing mattresses. and farming.

eat, sleep, die... eat, sleep, work, love, die... eat, sleep, work, buy nice things, buy love, make love, make love work, work, buy, sell soul, die. Prost!

a little upset my Oktoberfest glass did not get back to my apt with me. But, all considering, much worse could have been left behind.

in totally unrelated note, really ashamed that albert haynesworth went to UT. who does that?

not drunk enough to preclude blogging

I have been drinking for 12 hours now. and it’s kind of riduclous when you think asbout it ebecause it’s not like anyone really should be drinking for 12 hours straight. and I have to say I’m pretty proud of myself for making it this logn and also for making it home by myself, all pure and chaste, but still no one should be dirnking for 12 horus straight. yeah. that’s what I think. what, bitch??! I’m over it. and you don’t even know what I’m over, most of you, but I dknow, and I know I’m over it. bevause I said so. jover. done. peace out

oh, and you better be glad, person who requested drunk post, because i did this for you~!! yes, all for you, like a sister hazel song.

ahhhh it's october! ahhhhhhh
time flies when you're durnk.

ignorant superciliousness

ok, mark wants me to write a blog. but i'm tired. and i only have 2 original things to say.

1. i just clicked on this random girl's profile on facebook (i know, i'm horrible), and in her "mini feed" it says, so-and-so just left the group, I'm Storming the Field When We Beat Florida 2006.

Now, accuse me of superciliousness (i just like the idea of people saying that word out loud), but I'm pretty sure if I were to exercise my line-item "hide story" power on facebook just once, it would be to delete that. I mean, that's just humiliating. Leaving that in your facebook mini feed nowadays is as embarrassing as it is for Kenny Chesney to take off his hat in public. You just don't expose yourself like that.

2. maybe, just maybe, i can see the merits of occasional ignorance. why? because "The Seed" by The Roots is a great song if you just ignore the lyrics or, if you're heaping ignorance atop ignorance, are ignorant of what they mean. Same with that marry-an-ugly-person-if-you-want-to-be-happy song, songs by the Ying Yang Twins, and 6/7ths of country songs.

fade to

DAMNit Grey makes me cry every gd time. and i'm writing on my blog about it because it's pathetic. i cry about made-up story lines with made-up people and made-up problems. But you know, Omar's wife should NOT have died. jesus christ, have you no SOUL?!

i really love that fall tv is BACK.

going to make green jello w/co-worker's calculator in it - credit goes to The Office for such an ingenious idea.

Part II

i wrote this all on 9/11 but decided, unlike the President of the United States of America, to say anything political that day. But, i mean, i just have to say it now.

I hate that we call it the “war on terror”. Here, 3 definitions for the word “terror”, courtesy of dictionary.com:

1. Terror is “intense, sharp, overmastering fear”. Spiders cause me intense, sharp, overmastering fear. Sad, but true. Are we going to exterminate the spiders? I mean, they really do scare the shit out of me. How can a “war on terror” be won? Bush said himself in his speech on September 21, 2001, that there are thousands of terrorists in more than 60 countries. Get some f-ing balls and call the war what it is: the War on the Middle East. The War for Oil. The War to Overthrow Saddam Hussein. At least if you’d called it the last one, W, you could’ve actually been right when you said you’d won.

2. Terror is, “violence or threats of violence used for intimidation or coercion.” In the 9/21/01 speech, Bush said, “The Taliban must act and act immediately. They will hand over the terrorists or they will share in their fate.” hmmmm… so we’re fighting our own tactics? Or are declarations of violence rendered OK because the President mentions the all-faith-encompassing “God” instead of Allah in his taglines?

3. Terror is, “informal. a person or thing that is especially annoying or unpleasant.” well jesus christ, who knows who the hell we’re killing in our “war on terror” then! that would definitely give me free reign to declare war on at least 2 people at work.

W said in his speech on September 19, 2001: “Some speak of an age of terror. I know there are struggles ahead and dangers to face. But this country will define our times, not be defined by them.”

Good thing we’re defining them and not being defined. God help us if we defined this age using the word terror.

I’m not trying to be overly sarcastic… it’s just that easy. No. no. I meant, it’s 5 years later, and I still don’t know whom or what the hell we’re fighting, I sure as hell don’t know if we’re winning, and I only know that I’ve lost all confidence in the decisions being made.

Don’t worry; there are only 2 parts to this series. Can i get an Amen?

Part I

There’s a boy – 6 years old, kicking around an old soccer ball in the front yard with his dad. The neighborhood is alive at dusk; 2 doors down a dog is barking, 2 more doors down a little girl is screaming at a little boy to get away from her or she’ll tell her mom. Mom can’t hear because she’s in the kitchen making dinner. Her older brother is outside, but he just tells her to shut up. A car rolls by, lacking a muffler and kicking up dust, causing an annoyed instant of commotion up and down the street. Another car drives by, a little faster. All of a sudden gunshots fire, screams resonate, insurgents shoot back at an Allied Forces tank. Dust really kicks up now, for minutes that last too long, pure terror for the 6-year-old boy, the dad for his son, the dog 2 doors down, the little girl 2 more doors down, the older brother who wished for once that he could hear his little sister. The outcome: a fatherless 6-year-old, a brother with no siblings, a barking dog offering the only sound beyond the crying.

We call those boys evil. Maybe they are now. But terror breeds terror. An emotion that is pure doesn’t let logic get a voice; emotions push to extremes, logic never does.

A word really doesn’t exist for things like 9/11. it’s almost better as those 3 numbers and a symbol because words don't represent the way we felt, the way we still remember exactly what we were doing when it happened.

But I think …. sometimes we forget that those people – those middle easterns, those insurgents, those terrorists – are, ultimately, just people. And some of them are just f-ed up in the head, just like the crazy people here (I work with some of them). But some of them have faced heartache and death and vengeance all their lives, and called out hopelessly to the sky that this life is just not fair.

5 years later, I’d almost forgotten – why did they kill us in the first place?

Because they hate us, and now… I’m just afraid that we’re feeding that hate. It’s not about Bush, about pulling out, staying in. God, that makes it sound like a bad porno. It’s about feeding that horribly illogical emotion of hate. It’s not about killing innocent people; it’s about killing people and leaving behind innocent people who cared about the people who are now dead. War is fertile ground for personal martyrs. I feel like this “war on terror” is just kicking them up like weeds.

Cultures are vastly different, but people are fundamentally the same everywhere. It’s weird, actually… weird to go to a different country and meet someone who acts just like your best friend back home.

All I’m saying is it’s weird, and emotions make you do really stupid or drastic or harmful things. We all know that. And we all know that 9/11 is very emotional. all the way around, up and down, through and through.

to buy an envelope

i don't have anything to say. so, mr. vonnegut is my proxy tonight.

when he tells his wife he's going out to buy an envelope:
Oh, she says, well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And, and ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know. The moral of the story is, is we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And, we're not supposed to dance at all anymore.
--as told in a PBS interview, 2005

well, i did have a good time dancing last night... although today i swear someone was dancing on my head.. the bastard

no subject

i must say this has been a trying week in laura's world of public accounting. public accounting. pah. i don't know what's so public about it.. i sit in a cube all day and get to meet ZERO new people. daily. what you know about that.

but anyway, coming home tonight to have Agassi, Kirk Herbstreit, and Diddy all on tv at the same time made me v. happy. oh. mY GOD i am so ready for football season. I love that Americans love football. watching boys run up and down a big lawn with big white numbers painted on it, counting up and down to the red zones and end zones. and we go CRAZY for it and pay lots of money to watch them do it and plan events around it and drink watching it even if we're truly not that into it (my god, who are you??). YES yes i love it. and i will never know as much as the boys about who's the best in what position and who played for whom 50 years ago, because, frankly, i don't give a shit and can't remember all of it anyway, but i will always love watching it. and always root for Tennessee.

AND i don't care if you don't like Kirk Herbstreit because he said such and such about your team once and made a bad prediction and doesn't know anything about football in your expert opinion. I like Kirk.

ANd i think Fort Minor's thank you list tonight on the VMAs was longer than my list called, "People I Know."

so it goes

You know, I wake up every day, in this place, in this skin, with these ideas and experiences behind me, and nothing in front of me except what I can extrapolate from what’s behind me, and I buy food, eat, and then excrete it, and it fuels my body so I can keep living another day. and then one day the food kills me because I ate the wrong kind, or maybe a truck hits me, or I get an STD and blame death on my irresponsible libido, and I die, and all that’s left of me is a tombstone with my Polish last name, so that when a kid walks by, he would never guess a silly asian girl is down there. If he had to guess, he’d probably picture someone who looks more like my dad, so I guess I am a product of my parents, and that last name probably paints a more accurate picture than the person I show to the world now. so it goes.

Sorry that was depressing. I’m in one of those moods. Going to go to the pool now, where everything stays superficial. is a good fix.

cougar-fearing whats?

have you ever thought about all the things we feel, experience, know that don’t have words to express them? or maybe, that what we feel, experience, know is shaped by words - at least in the degree to which we relate it to others? Does that limit what we experience? does it limit life? I mean, even as I think about it right now, I can’t seem to make myself think abstractly – to think without using words. I may be making it more difficult by typing while thinking, but still…

I wish I knew a different language. I think it would be sweet to be able to think in a different language.. it would also be sweet to be able to describe things with a word other than “sweet” all the time. dulce. yeah. one of my friends told me once that she even dreamed in Spanish sometimes. that’s pretty sweet as well. maybe I’d get a Latin lover that way.

Also, who made up words? It’s a natural progression, I have to believe, from cavemen to the present, as it was probably easier to construct a language back then:
Caveman #1 sees cougar prowling slowly towards him. He grunts, which ends up sounding something like, “fear!” (er, whatever “fear” sounds like in Latin, though, of course).
Caveman #2 is standing beside him and nods his head in consent. “Fear” now has a meaning.

As opposed to someone now trying to make up words if, heretofore, none have existed:
Frat Boy #1 sees pretty girl prowling slowly towards him. He grunts, which ends up sounding something like, “hot.”
Frat Boy #2 is standing beside him holding the remnants of a joint and nods his head in consent. “Hot” now has two meanings.

so much to say, but no time to say it, no one to say it to, no words to say it with, and everyone’s afraid of public speaking.

and for emergencies: keep margarita mix on hand at all times

as my friends all (painfully) know, i hate being cold. thus, the thought of winter really depresses me. i also really hate shorter days. BUT! i figured out what keeps me from having SAD (.. genius acronym):

what gets me through August -
the thought of Fall and its reign over the warm side of the color wheel: FOOTBALL season, Neyland Stadium, falling leaves, apple cider, hayrides, Halloween - a great holiday because it's the only one that makes it nationally OK to scare the shit out of little kids, dress like a slut, and gorge yourself on candy

what gets me through November & December -
the thought of the holiday season. I just really love Christmas - a great holiday because it's the only day that my parents actually give me stuff gratis anymore. Oh, and family. yes, I love family... ohhh but i also LOVE my mom's maraschino cherry cookies and my dad's cranberry bogs. & our tradition of watching Christmas Vacation every year on Thanksgiving. So you could say that "I love my family and the things that solidify our love for each other." yes, perfect.

what gets me through January to March -
these are the hardest months, but the thought of spring and ultimately summer keep me from shooting myself. hmm.. also, do not have to go to the grocery store or run many errands at all because i never leave work. Oh, also, I do not have to shave my legs every day during these months. Boys ask, big deal? Very.

flipping awake

so i was reading the introduction of the awakening tonight (you have to read intros after reading the book, or else the book is ruined in a muck of analysis; plus, they usually plot spoil), and read this:

"Or [Dostoevsky and Chopin] may be said to propose that every human act is of the highest order of complexity and of ultimate significance."

so i was really contemplating that when I, in the same instant, looked up at the TV to see Paris Hilton preparing lunch on the simple life by ironing a quesadilla and throwing some Froot Loops on top. no shit.

i just had to sit and smile for a long time, realizing the naivete of the intro writer's statement.

Also read today:

"The humor in government, especially the way we elect Presidents, is the mother lode. When you're watching a man flip pancakes in New Hampshire while answering questions about Social Security reform, you're watching a funny way to choose the leader of the free world." - Dave Barry

ah, love that man.

my fair lady

some unfair things:

• Kyan Douglas is gay.

• When I walk out to my car every morning, I see two of the exact same cars. One is mine. The other is owned by some boy who went to Duke. My car looks infinitely better only because mine has a pretty, silver “T” license plate on the front, and his has an ugly Duke license plate on the front. Ah! I found a picture. See how ugly? ruins any otherwise respectable-looking car.Anyway, must be unfair for him, because he paid exorbitant amounts of money for his education while I paid next to nothing, yet we now have the same exact car and apartment, except mine are both prettier (I obviously don’t have to have seen his apt to know this). I (I have to admit) am also a little prettier. What?? with make-up on, i win hands down.
  

• this excerpt from an AP article:

  "Hilton also told the magazine she collects $500,000 in fees just to show up at parties and other events from Las Vegas to Tokyo. Her best-paying gig, she said, was a recent Austrian appearance.

  'I had to say "hi" and tell them why I loved Austria so much,' she is quoted as saying.

  And why does she like Austria? 'Because they pay me $1 million to wave at crowds!'

• i'm getting blog-comment spam... i mean, really??
  

as you wish

short wish list:

1. world peace
2. a car that never needs servicing, has a battery that never dies, does not need to be insured, is self-cleaning (... ovens can do it!), and that cools down black leather steering wheels on hot days
3. for dubya never to say another thing about what he’s going to do and why without knowing how the hell he’s going to do it
4. to always get my first serve in
5. on the subject of tennis, to become betrothed to andy roddick (he’s the only one I will deviate from my previous list for)
6. for people not to care about what drunk people say, even if he/she happens to be famous. we all say stupid shit. well, maybe mel said some really stupid shit, but i'm just already sick of hearing about it. jesus christ. yeah, i bet he said stupid shit too... come to think of it, isn't he responsible for starting all of this?
   
7. to travel to every continent, and to Colorado, before 30
8. to win publisher’s clearing house (seems more fun than the lottery.. plus I get to meet ed mcmahon or something, right?)