one on my chest

this writing , me writing, it's a little bit under the influence, but i'm going to do it anyway because i feel like i have to... have to talk through my fingers, because i can't through my mouth. it's a chronic thing, really. but maybe not. i've watched old home movies, i seemed to have talked a lot, liked the spotlight. maybe that hasn't changed. maybe i'm just more unsure of what i have to say. if only i could go back to those days... when everything i said was right.. because my 4-year-old self knew it was right, and my knowledge was all that mattered. now i'm in this place where what other people know matters too. and of course, it's mattered all along.. now i just have to acknowledge it.

anyway, rambling. again. i just finished this book where the main character's sister dies, and it's sad, but sad in a good way. i like sad because it makes me think. but then i closed the book, and i stared at the tv, a blur of high definition racecars rounding the track again and again, the distinct buzz prominent but distant. i literally shook my head, trying to bring myself back to reality.. i said to myself, focus, laura, focus. your parents are in the room. your sister never called on mother's day, has only been to the house once since Christmas, and you know how smoothly that went. now she's said she would come today but hasn't yet. your mother is hurt. your dad is too, he just refuses to show it. your older brother is a dumb(*&^ at best, but at least he's come back. but it still hurts. and what do you do?? how do you tell someone how much they're hurting someone you love without being offensive? without pushing them further away? do you pretend like nothing's happened? do you do nothing? and watch your mother tear up every day? and how do you stay patient through that? how do you ... i mean, god, what do you do? so, this. this is what it's like when someone you love is hurting and you can't do anything about it. awesome. well, i need to get back upstairs or they'll think i'm ignoring them too. that's another thing: my siblings are such fuck ups that i have to be uber careful about what i do, or i'll upset them more. god, life. i love it, i hate it. this is retarded. i'm going back upstairs. i'll probably read this later and wish i hadn't posted it on the gd internet. oh well. when else do i get to be truly honest with people?

oh, and kristen, it's junior brown. that f-ing rocks. look for a star to put on my new car :)

lord, i was born

All right. I’m 23. I feel the same, of course, but only in comparison to the second before I wrote “I feel the same.” If it were a tradition to, say, brand people with the numbers “23” on their asses when they turned 23, then…. then I might feel different. But no, luckily, I live in a semi-civil culture, and that is not the tradition… for humans at least. They may do it to imported Guatemalan pigs or something, I don’t know. And you already know I don’t know if there is such a thing as a Guatemalan pig, nor – if they do exist – if we import them, nor – if they do exist and we import them – if they live to be 23. Anyway, see? I’m the same ramblin girl. I just downloaded Allman Brothers’ Ramblin’ Man… I love it when I find a good song I’ve forgotten about… comparable to the way Jesus felt when he resurrected Lazarus. that's only my best guess though. i didn't really know him. pity, i've heard good things. But I won’t ramble too much more. All I can say is that I had a really..reeaaally good bday weekend. And I can only thank my friends… jello shots, pj, putting up streamers while i'm at work, power hour, police control, highway patrol, late night hot dogs, driving me to the loop after i can't figure out what i want at arby's, movies, bowling, green hats in bushes, exorcising demons.. gah! they make me so happy! Even if they are unsympathetic to me getting older… just because I am still younger… so petty, I swear.

yeah.. 23.. just tryin to make a living and doing the best I can. lord, I hope you’ll understand.

my vacation

i just brushed my teeth after coming home from Hilton Head. and my toothbrush tasted like vodka. that is all. well, also... barnacles!

lesson: breathing is important.

OK, I’m sorry, but I have to comment… this David Blaine thing.. in a breath (no pun): Stupid.

The ABC commentator just quipped, “I don’t think anyone out there thinks David Blaine failed tonight.” Well, uh yeah, hate to break it to you, but … technically, he did. Not trying to be overly cynical… just definitional. I blame his failure purely on stupidity. because I’ve never tried to break a world record, but that’s because I’m not stupid enough to try. David Blaine – very capable of conquering one world record… at a time. Who tries to break 2 world records at one time? One’s not enough for one day? Who thinks, you know what, I think I’m going to attempt to break the record for most time submerged in a gigundo fish bowl in the heart of New York AND.. yes, ANDDDD immediately afterwards, break the record for holding my breath for 9 minutes WHILE unchaining myself from a fish bowl. No worry that I mentioned in a tv interview that, after 5 minutes, it feels like pure torture to not breathe, since I think we’re supposed to do that every second, but by golly, it sounds like a splendid way to spend an otherwise idle week in May. Yes, I have no sympathy. Starving people in Africa = sympathy. Idiot in fish bowl holding his breath = stupid. I mean, David’s cool in his own right… I liked watching him eat glass and take out some girl’s teeth and spit them back in, but cross the stupid line, and you’ve lost me.

Last comment: the whole production was lousy. When Blaine finally came up for air (after 7 freakin minutes – which is nothing short of amazing – I tried to play along… I only got to 45 seconds), his stupid coach says, “hey, you got this, yeah, you’re doing all right, just keep breathing,” in this stupid soothing voice with stupid ‘calming ocean’ music playing in the background. It would’ve been much cooler if, the minute he came up, someone had said, “holy fucking shit man, what the hell?? I only made it 45 seconds, but I mean, you only had 2 minutes to go! ..... good god, you look like shit! have a bad night??”

come to think of it, he prob made a crap load of money, and Disney made him do all that. ok, he gets some stupid points taken off. But not all!

anna nicole smith v. ashlee simpson

things I fear:

• spiders
• big ugly bugs
• ok, most all bugs
• confrontation
• failure
• guns
• muffin-topping (in the verb sense)
• perky sales people
• perky people
• fire
• Anna Nicole Smith (she basically robbed a guy with a shitload of money and claims love as her defense, an intrinsically hard thing to disprove when you have happy home video evidence, she made money making a tv show based on her gaining the equivalent of another person in weight, then she lost it all and looks fabulous again, ALL while radiating the IQ of an amoeba.)
• the last minutes of a close UT football game
• the last seconds of a close Syracuse basketball game
  
• velour
• Katie Couric
• hard rockers that wear excessive amounts of makeup
• my parents’ deaths
• when Mind of Mencia comes on before I can change the channel
• same with Wheel of Fortune
• the 2^nd double red bull and vodka

things I don't fear:

• heights
• rhinoceroses
• water
• fear itself
• big dogs
• flying
• death (dying, maybe; not death)
• Ashlee Simpson (sure, I dislike her, and she is a little scary, but she can’t even successfully order drunk food from Mickie D’s, even with the famous name going for her. Talk about total, utter incompetence.)
• the lochness monster
• the dalai lama
• the bird flu
• things I probably should be afraid of

it's fate that you're reading this

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around… around and around.

1-3: things not shareable in blog

4: is there such a thing as fate? or do we really actually make decisions, and one day we look back at all those decisions, intertwining somewhere to form life, and if we have the luxury of being able to sit and reminisce, we’re probably in an OK place in life, and we see that everything we’ve done, even the really bad decisions, taught us something, and we wouldn’t change anything because that would lead us somewhere different, somewhere uncertain, and the future is already uncertain, so why make the past uncertain too? so we say, yes, things happened for a reason, to make the past certain…

and so it just feels like there’s such a thing as fate?

5-10: more things not shareable in blog

11: “talking to Francis gave me the sensation of settling slowly to the bottom of the ocean.” – Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird.. so funny; I have definitely felt like that before

i am so mysterious.. you so wish you knew what 1-3 & 5-10 are ... mwahaha