Haven’t you heard that, I’m the new cancer?

How portentous is my blog? The morning shows and The Colbert Report just got in a fight. Don’t know the story? Here, I’ll be the reporter. FL Congressman Robert Wexler recently went on the show, and in the interview Stephen points out that Wexler is running in an upcoming uncontested race. So he says, hey let’s have some fun with this. Tell me why you like cocaine. After some prompting, he concedes, and Wexler ends up saying, “I like cocaine because it’s a fun thing to do” along with something about enjoying prostitutes. You can watch it here – it’s really f-ing funny.

Anyway, both the Today Show and GMA actually took it seriously and chastised people for even agreeing to go on the Colbert Report. They then showed a clip where Stephen asks some guy supporting the public display of the 10 commandments to actually name the 10 commandments. The guy goes, “uhh, all of them?? uhhhh… I cant do it.” Then Lauer said something like, “Why do people continue to go on the show? … I guess they think they’re being ‘hip’ or something.”

So the night of his show, Stephen shows a string of clips where the morning newscasters are very seriously saying things like, “What happened to the python in the electric blanket???” and “60% of women wear uncomfortable shoes,” and says, I should have asked Wexler something more like, “Do you really need to wait 30 minutes after you eat to go swimming?” which is a direct quote from Lauer.

What can I say, I love em both. I am the stupid American by day, and laugh at myself by night.

Anyway…. in other news, since I am reporting: I’m obsessed with the Panic! CD (hence, the blog title), I enjoy the new Landon Pigg cd, as well as the new JT song, even if it is completely digitalized, the Kings of Leon CD is definitely growing on me (kind of like, i'm-really-too-cool-to -be-listening-to-anything-else music), and I think I will impale someone if I hear that horrible, whiny Rihanna song one more time.

m for mavericks

I could write about several things… but many of them are inappropriate, gossipy, melodramatic, or just silly. Ok, that “or” should have been an “and.” in any case, I think I at least have to get out onto Microsoft Word paper my familial trip to New York…

Picture me… sitting on my grandma’s pontoon boat… my cousin is driving the boat, steering wheel in one hand, beer in the other. I’m holding a salted margarita on the rocks, my Burberrys are on (everyone makes fun, so I might as well write about them), the wind is whipping through my hair, the sunset is amazing. My other cousin is on the other end of the boat, holding her year-old baby, who looks decidedly content cradled in her mom’s arms. We stop for a quick dip, talk about old times, new happenings, make sure to maintain our buzzes.

Ok, that was Sunday. This is Tuesday (Mon was boring): to know - my paternal grandmother (her name is Eleanor. hereafter referred to as such) does not get out of the house much. She’s getting old - you know the drill. So the one place we can convince to drag her to is the … wait for it… yes, the casino on the nearby Indian reservation. (Oh, yes, we are from Rome, NY, not NYC.. not nearly as bon ton, I know. And, to know - rednecks exist everywhere.) So we, good sports we – my parents, my little bro, Nana (my maternal grandmother), and I - trek it over there, take the shuttle (after boarding behind the huge, waddling lady with a cane) from the parking lot to the casino, and tada!! welcome to the Land of Depravity. Welcome.

We eat at the food court because my father is, in almost all situations and economic circumstances, cheap as dirt. Eleanor orders a side of potato salad as her entrée, which comes in a small Styrofoam cup and refuses to eat anything else. Anyway. Then we wander around for a few minutes because no one can figure out where to buy the cards to be able to use the slot machines, and I’m too apathetic and embarrassed – for everyone, the whole world, really – to talk, point, or anything else constructive. Someone finally figures it out (read: asks enough uniformed old people to get pointed in the right direction), and we’re off.

Well, somehow… i lose my parents & bro, and am stuck with the 2 grandmothers. Fine. At first, fine. We sit down; my dad has given me $25 to gamble with (in a generous moment), so I start pushing buttons, and my grandmothers do the same. I win $10, lose $20, etc. My grandmothers start to get bored, and Nana all of a sudden becomes determined to find the penny slots. Fine. Whatever, fine. So they start walking (slowwwllyy… ever ever so slowly), and I follow, as Nana asks every person she passes where the penny slots are. We get pointed, but apparently ALL the old people like the idea of penny slots, so the first few rows we find are full. We move on.

What ensues is a turtle-paced chase after my grandmothers, who are on a very serious and formidable quest to find the penny slots. We finally find them; a sigh of relief, and I excuse myself to the girl’s room. When I come back, Nana is in a panic:

“Laura! Why does it keep taking all of my money! Look, I press 3 lines, 1 bet per line, and then press the button… and, look!! it takes all my money!”

I watch her explain and press it again. I calmly point to the screen:

“Nana, the button you’re pressing.. see, it says ‘Max Bet’. That takes you up to 20 lines, and 20 bets per line… $4 every time you hit it.”

By this time, I can see she’s already down to about $3 from the $20 she started with. All of a sudden, animated coins start to fall on the screen, and her $3 moves all the way up to $48. I was happy for her of course, but I know my true initial thought was, aw seriously?? she had no clue. this is bullshit. So of course, I start pressing the Max Bet button on the adjacent penny slot machine, and promptly (I’m pretty sure it took about 1.36 minutes) lose all but $2.

To conclude the day, we finally find my parents & bro; they insist on really “making a day” of it, so they sit and play the nickel slots, betting 1 line & 1 bet on each line at a time (yeah, 5 cents a go), so that I sit there, put on a fake smile, and watch for the drink lady, but, since it’s a dry casino, my bright spot of the day was a cup of coffee.

Yeah, just had to write that. The vacay was really altogether relaxing and good.. we even went into N. Syracuse on Wed before my flight so I got to see my old houses and elementary schools. ah, memories. But family is really so funny in so many ways. You should hear about Eleanor’s prescription medicine bottle labeled “M”. All I’ll say is, the “M” stands for “mixed”.

oh, and by the by, just saw that I spelled “inconvenient” wrong in the title to one of my prior blogs, but not in the following subtitle. which brings up the fact that the title and subtitle were one and the same. Creative. and proof that I was, in fact, DOAT.

i don't teach, i just quote. and lie. but only to make a point. disclaimer: points not always valid

funny quote from the Colbert Report tonight, as I realize that my day is sandwiched between two completely different ways of broadcasting the news - GMA: morning news show hosted by old women and wholesome, married-with-ultra-cute-kids-who- may-sometimes-make-guest-appearances-on-the-show- to-up-the-awwww-factor men, and the Daily Show & Colbert Report: late-night news spoofs hosted by politically biased middle-aged men whom i admire unabashedly. Squeeze in a bit of work, e-mailing, eating, tennis, and reluctant ironing in between, and you've got my weekday life.

Anyway, quote by Colbert was something like,

"the New York Times had an article titled, 'Time Out: Spanking Teaches Kids Violence is OK.' Ummm, how about, preemptive attacks on other countries teaches kids that violence is OK???"

Here is my disclaimer for paraphrasing. woot. in addition, here lies my disclaimer that I am also, like my admirees, totally, completely, 110% unbiased in all of my opinions. You know, because they are my opinions. And because all opinions are, de facto, at least 100.4% unbiased.

america the beautiful

just watched GMA, where they featured two off-duty american soldiers who are attempting to swim the strait of gibraltar (europe to africa) in honor of american war vets. and the sad thing is, diane said, “…and they plan on losing 5-8 lbs. in this one afternoon of swimming…” and all I can think is, these boys are probably going to make a lot of money selling the new diet fad book.

gah, America. but… I guess, at least we aren’t head butting people. but then again, we also aren’t winning any significant world sporting events. AND that Portuguese Ronaldo boy is much hotter than any of the quarterbacks or chipper joneses we so reverently worship solely because they play the sport, NOT because they're actually really that good-looking.

but, i do love it here. don't get me wrong. they give you lots of ice at restaurants, and you don't have to pay for extra condiments. i don't want any hate mail.