m for mavericks

I could write about several things… but many of them are inappropriate, gossipy, melodramatic, or just silly. Ok, that “or” should have been an “and.” in any case, I think I at least have to get out onto Microsoft Word paper my familial trip to New York…

Picture me… sitting on my grandma’s pontoon boat… my cousin is driving the boat, steering wheel in one hand, beer in the other. I’m holding a salted margarita on the rocks, my Burberrys are on (everyone makes fun, so I might as well write about them), the wind is whipping through my hair, the sunset is amazing. My other cousin is on the other end of the boat, holding her year-old baby, who looks decidedly content cradled in her mom’s arms. We stop for a quick dip, talk about old times, new happenings, make sure to maintain our buzzes.

Ok, that was Sunday. This is Tuesday (Mon was boring): to know - my paternal grandmother (her name is Eleanor. hereafter referred to as such) does not get out of the house much. She’s getting old - you know the drill. So the one place we can convince to drag her to is the … wait for it… yes, the casino on the nearby Indian reservation. (Oh, yes, we are from Rome, NY, not NYC.. not nearly as bon ton, I know. And, to know - rednecks exist everywhere.) So we, good sports we – my parents, my little bro, Nana (my maternal grandmother), and I - trek it over there, take the shuttle (after boarding behind the huge, waddling lady with a cane) from the parking lot to the casino, and tada!! welcome to the Land of Depravity. Welcome.

We eat at the food court because my father is, in almost all situations and economic circumstances, cheap as dirt. Eleanor orders a side of potato salad as her entrée, which comes in a small Styrofoam cup and refuses to eat anything else. Anyway. Then we wander around for a few minutes because no one can figure out where to buy the cards to be able to use the slot machines, and I’m too apathetic and embarrassed – for everyone, the whole world, really – to talk, point, or anything else constructive. Someone finally figures it out (read: asks enough uniformed old people to get pointed in the right direction), and we’re off.

Well, somehow… i lose my parents & bro, and am stuck with the 2 grandmothers. Fine. At first, fine. We sit down; my dad has given me $25 to gamble with (in a generous moment), so I start pushing buttons, and my grandmothers do the same. I win $10, lose $20, etc. My grandmothers start to get bored, and Nana all of a sudden becomes determined to find the penny slots. Fine. Whatever, fine. So they start walking (slowwwllyy… ever ever so slowly), and I follow, as Nana asks every person she passes where the penny slots are. We get pointed, but apparently ALL the old people like the idea of penny slots, so the first few rows we find are full. We move on.

What ensues is a turtle-paced chase after my grandmothers, who are on a very serious and formidable quest to find the penny slots. We finally find them; a sigh of relief, and I excuse myself to the girl’s room. When I come back, Nana is in a panic:

“Laura! Why does it keep taking all of my money! Look, I press 3 lines, 1 bet per line, and then press the button… and, look!! it takes all my money!”

I watch her explain and press it again. I calmly point to the screen:

“Nana, the button you’re pressing.. see, it says ‘Max Bet’. That takes you up to 20 lines, and 20 bets per line… $4 every time you hit it.”

By this time, I can see she’s already down to about $3 from the $20 she started with. All of a sudden, animated coins start to fall on the screen, and her $3 moves all the way up to $48. I was happy for her of course, but I know my true initial thought was, aw seriously?? she had no clue. this is bullshit. So of course, I start pressing the Max Bet button on the adjacent penny slot machine, and promptly (I’m pretty sure it took about 1.36 minutes) lose all but $2.

To conclude the day, we finally find my parents & bro; they insist on really “making a day” of it, so they sit and play the nickel slots, betting 1 line & 1 bet on each line at a time (yeah, 5 cents a go), so that I sit there, put on a fake smile, and watch for the drink lady, but, since it’s a dry casino, my bright spot of the day was a cup of coffee.

Yeah, just had to write that. The vacay was really altogether relaxing and good.. we even went into N. Syracuse on Wed before my flight so I got to see my old houses and elementary schools. ah, memories. But family is really so funny in so many ways. You should hear about Eleanor’s prescription medicine bottle labeled “M”. All I’ll say is, the “M” stands for “mixed”.

oh, and by the by, just saw that I spelled “inconvenient” wrong in the title to one of my prior blogs, but not in the following subtitle. which brings up the fact that the title and subtitle were one and the same. Creative. and proof that I was, in fact, DOAT.