one on my chest

this writing , me writing, it's a little bit under the influence, but i'm going to do it anyway because i feel like i have to... have to talk through my fingers, because i can't through my mouth. it's a chronic thing, really. but maybe not. i've watched old home movies, i seemed to have talked a lot, liked the spotlight. maybe that hasn't changed. maybe i'm just more unsure of what i have to say. if only i could go back to those days... when everything i said was right.. because my 4-year-old self knew it was right, and my knowledge was all that mattered. now i'm in this place where what other people know matters too. and of course, it's mattered all along.. now i just have to acknowledge it.

anyway, rambling. again. i just finished this book where the main character's sister dies, and it's sad, but sad in a good way. i like sad because it makes me think. but then i closed the book, and i stared at the tv, a blur of high definition racecars rounding the track again and again, the distinct buzz prominent but distant. i literally shook my head, trying to bring myself back to reality.. i said to myself, focus, laura, focus. your parents are in the room. your sister never called on mother's day, has only been to the house once since Christmas, and you know how smoothly that went. now she's said she would come today but hasn't yet. your mother is hurt. your dad is too, he just refuses to show it. your older brother is a dumb(*&^ at best, but at least he's come back. but it still hurts. and what do you do?? how do you tell someone how much they're hurting someone you love without being offensive? without pushing them further away? do you pretend like nothing's happened? do you do nothing? and watch your mother tear up every day? and how do you stay patient through that? how do you ... i mean, god, what do you do? so, this. this is what it's like when someone you love is hurting and you can't do anything about it. awesome. well, i need to get back upstairs or they'll think i'm ignoring them too. that's another thing: my siblings are such fuck ups that i have to be uber careful about what i do, or i'll upset them more. god, life. i love it, i hate it. this is retarded. i'm going back upstairs. i'll probably read this later and wish i hadn't posted it on the gd internet. oh well. when else do i get to be truly honest with people?

oh, and kristen, it's junior brown. that f-ing rocks. look for a star to put on my new car :)